Hot enough for you?


306˚ K and 75% humidity. For all you unenlightened, that means it feels like 102˚ F. So how did we get in this state of Hell on Earth? Are we suffering the wrath of Mel Gibson after the Jews arranged for him to get arrested on a DUI? Is this the long-awaited actual proof of global warming? Has the Earth’s orbit suddenly changed, sending us on a path straight into the sun?

No. It is merely the start of August. This happens every year this time. August. Oh, how I hate that month. Those readers from Brazil probably know the old proverb, "Agosto, o mês do desgosto" ("August, the month of misfortune") Curse ye, Augustus, and the foul month you named after your wretched self. August has no holidays, because there is nothing in August that could possibly be celebrated. August is the month where all good things go and die, and usually well before we are ready to let them go. Summer vacation. Elvis Presley. My few years of happiness being the youngest child. Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Marilyn Monroe.

No, we didn’t start the fire. But that doesn’t mean it will be pleasant for me on my five-mile run. So I’ll offer some tips here on how to beat the heat. Don’t be poor. Affording AC is a plus. Don’t be old. This will help to keep you from dying. This will also help to keep you from driving your car into a Starbucks. Wear less clothes. This is always a good idea if you are hot. And if the Dog Days are really starting to wear on you, try shouting “Attica!” a few times. Maybe your significant other will be able to afford that sex change operation after all.



I was watching the Miss Universe pageant. I really had nothing better to do. I have to say, I was not real impressed. I did think the giant penis in the background of the stage was a nice touch, but as far as the girls went, all I can say is, eh. Beauty is pretty subjective. I don’t care if you want to hold an event exploiting attractive women. Just give me some women I can find attractive. I wasn’t surprised, though. Did anyone ask me who I wanted to represent me? Tara Conner, you are not the legitimate Miss USA. And Zuleyka Riviera, you are not the legitimate Miss Universe.

But I had another point to make in writing this post. You may be aware that Miss Puerto Rico got the crown. She wasn’t my choice, but I can’t complain too much. Why? Because we own you, Puerto Rico. Not only did we get fourth, but we also own the winner. Not bad.

I’ve always been confused as to why we still keep Puerto Rico as a commonality. That’s what you do when you plan to exploit a country, be it through stealing its resources or subjugating its people. If you are only going to extend your protection and grant rights, you still should expect something back. I’m talking dinero. Hear that, puertorriquenos? Yo quiero federal taxes.

So take a vote, PR, and decide if you finally want to become a part of this country. If not, I’m selling you back to Cuba.


Sunday Cup

It’s been a while since I did any sports analysis here (sorry guys, competitive eating is not a real sport) and with the World Cup Finals and Wimbledon both coming up tomorrow, this isn’t a bad time to do it. So, I’ll let you all know who your president is rooting for, so you can all do your patriotic duty and get on the right side.

First off, a message to American athletes: stop sucking! I’m serious. Roddick, the US Soccer team, Michelle Wie, the US Olympic Basketball team, the US World Classic Baseball team, Bode Miller, the list of disappointments goes on and on. Stop losing to the rest of the world. Or at least try not to lose so badly. Even Justin Gatlain, who just set a new record in the 100m, he still got his ass handed to him by a zebra.

Now, let’s start with Wimbledon. If you remember, Nadal just beat Federer in the final round of the French Open. Is he on a streak to win twice in a row? Not a chance. As good as Nadal is on clay, he does not have a shot to win here. If Nadal wins, I will wear capris to class Monday. And you don’t want to see that.

And for Football? Someone once told me that the country of Italy is shaped like a boot, and that this means they will win the World Cup this year, as the game relies heavily on the use of feet. I’m not sure if this makes any sense, but it’s as much as I know about soccer. Frankly, it’s as much as I care to know right now. Aside from watching some goalie completely take out a guy with a flying elbow, what I’ve seen from the past few matches has been a lot of running around for nothing. Now, if you shrunk the field, and the ball, and the goal down, put it all on ice, and encouraged the players to beat on each other, then you might have something. But this? This is what you sign your 10 year old up for to tire him out before he comes home. Because you’re too cheap to pay for any equipment. Because most games end in a tie and no one has to lose. I’ll tell you who loses in a 0-0 game. Anyone who is watching.

So go Italy. I’d rather have you win than France. And go Federer. Because you are actually capable of winning on more than one surface. And Americathletes, you’d better start winning some cups for us, or I’ll start to think you don’t have anything to need a cup for.


Lil Kim

Well, it's official. Kim Jong Il can't keep his typo dong up for more than 30 seconds.


Miss Independent

Today, as you might already know, or you probably could have read just above this post, is the Fourth of July. You might also know it as Independence Day, or America’s Birthday. You might just be wrong. Time for a history lesson, bitches.

The Declaration of Independence was voted on and signed on July 4, 1776. But that just declared our intent to be independent from Britain. Britain still wanted a say in the matter, and it took a little something called the Revolutionary War to convince them. So we didn’t win our independence until May of 1781, with the British surrender at Yorktown. And it wasn’t official until the Treaty of Paris, signed September 3, 1783.

But that just meant the states were independent from Britain. They didn’t have to join together to become one country. Certainly, not everyone thought they should. The Articles of Confederation, ratified in 1781, established a formal union between the states, but the power was still with the individual states. The United States of America as we know it, was “born” with the ratification of the Constitution, approved in 1787, and ratified by the last state, Rhode Island, in 1790.

My point is this: We did not instantly go from being 13 British colonies to a unified independent nation. It was a long process, full of war and debate. So don’t expect anything different from other new nations.

Hot Dog

I think it’s extremely fitting that the biggest event this Fourth of July is Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating competition. It’s gluttony and overconsumption like this that have made our country great. And of course, the Americans always get beaten by the Japanese. But maybe not anymore. This might be the year that Kobayashi finally gets upset. I don’t know if you’ve seen this kid Chestnut, but he has a chance of keeping the yellow belt in the States.