Hodgepodge Tuesday Part Deux

Where does a platypus learn a word like Hodgepodge? From me.

It’s around Tuesday again, so, back by popular demand, is another Hodgepodge Tuesday. Enjoy.

I hear a seven year old kid swam from Alcatraz to San Francisco. He said his brother was framed for killing the Vice President’s brother, or something like that. Can we get some tighter leg irons on this kid?

Congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks on winning the NBA championship. I’m not in the White House yet, but you are all still invited to my house. Devin, I know you’d like to come back to Madison.

Pat Robertson, there is no way you can leg press 2000 pounds. I always knew you were insane and borderline retarded, but this makes you a flat out liar.

I was watching the Preakness this weekend and saw Barbaro break his leg. Here at the UW we have a cheer that goes “Shoot ‘em like a horse.” I don’t hate animals, but they are just animals. A horse is a horse (of course, of course). This horse received better health care than most Americans get. I did enjoy watching everyone tell Bernardini’s owner that he “still deserved to be called the winner.”

I could pick a winner on American Idol tonight, but I’m not going to. It may be the most important event in your life, but I really do not care. I’ve never really gone for raising idols. And I think the show is crap.

In Ohio a 500 pound bear attacked a woman in her house. How high do bears have to get on the Threatdown before people take them seriously? They aren’t cute and cuddly when they’re mauling your face. Bears used to be something everyone knew to fear, right after lions and tigers. Now we’ve got idiots like the guy in Grizzly Man who think we need to understand animals like bears. Again, I don’t hate animals, but they are just animals.

Gassed

Yesterday afternoon, I was driving home, when my car engine cut out, like it was out of gas. It turned out my fuel pump was shot. And apparently, car engines do not run very well without fuel.

That’s the problem. Everyone says we need to cut back on fuel consumption, but cutting back on gas really means cutting back on driving. I took the five days my car was in the shop to find out if it is possible to do that.

I mainly use my car to drive to work. So I didn’t go for a few days. Not going to work saves a lot of gas and saves you a lot of money. But you will still have to pay money for other things, so you will eventually need to work. Even Thoreau worked for a few months a year.

I didn’t go see The Da Vinci Code. That wasn’t because I couldn’t drive to a theater. That was because I already know the big secret, I know it is all made up, and I can not support Tom Hanks’ hair.

I walked a lot. Walking four miles to work and back is okay for a day or two, but I’m not going to do it every day. I could have ridden the bus, but I don’t use public transportation.

So what did I find out? It is not possible to cut back on driving. We can't just not drive as much. America will not cut back on fuel consumption. Gas can rise to $10 a gallon and we will still drive the same amount. Drilling in ANWR will not solve anything. Bombing Iran will not solve anything. Repealing the gas tax will not solve anything. Sending everyone a $50 check will not solve anything. Making slightly smaller Hummers will not solve anything. Adding more ethanol will not solve anything.

There are only two options. A complete switch over to something like the hydrogen fuel cell, powered by new nuclear power plants. Or a massive population kill-off. Those are your choices.

Hodgpodge Tuesday

It’s Tuesday, so that means it’s time for Hodgepodge Tuesday!

The Madison Police Department has reported a recent rash of muggings and robberies, 12 since April. Police remain baffled as to who is responsible for these occurrences. But whoever is behind these crimes, one thing is certain, these are much more than just a series of random isolated incidents. I remember something like this happening in New York about 16 years ago. I don’t want to cause any alarm here, but I think someone in Madison has brought back an old Japanese gang of ninjas known as the Foot Clan. We are a city in need of some heroes. And some people are still complaining about companies illegally dumping toxic waste?

David Blaine, you are a loser. If you are going to go on TV and do a two hour event culminating with you trying to hold your breath underwater for 9 minutes, you’d better make it worth while. I knew better than to watch, but I assume some people did, hoping to see either you break the record, or drown trying. You didn’t do either. What’s up with that?

Barry “The Human Pincushion” Bonds will be hitting 715 soon. I don’t really care, though. Nothing to do with steroids. I just don’t care about someone getting to second place. You’re still the best, Hank.

I was playing Minesweeper today, as I do from time to time, and I finally got a new record, in the Expert level. Minutes later I got a new record for the Intermediate. It’s a Hodgepodge Tuesday miracle! I now stand at 3, 22, 80. Beat that, President Bush.

Did you see this, did you hear about this? Probably not if this concerns you. Students at Gallaudet, the deaf college in Washington D.C. are calling for their new college president to be replaced. I think she’s going to stay, though, so it appears their protests have fallen on deaf ears. From what I’ve heard, it sounds like the issue is that she’s not deaf enough. I guess some deaf people think that ASL and all parts of deaf culture need to be protected and preserved. The thing is, deafness is a handicap. Not being able to hear puts you at a disadvantage. That’s the whole reason you’re in a special school. Kind of like women and the WNBA. If it is possible to compensate for or even fix deafness, I say do it. I have terrible eyesight. Something like 20/800. I don’t know. They stopped trying to measure it. My vision puts me at a considerable disadvantage. But I can compensate for it by wearing glasses or contacts. I have nothing against deaf people. I just don’t think deafness is something that should be valued.

And what’s this I hear about Duke Cunningham and parties involving prostitutes and limos? I can’t wait until I get to Washington.

That’s it for the first edition of Hodgepodge Tuesday. Until next time, Hodgepodgerinos.

Call to Post

They’ve been saying that the field is full of talent, that you can’t write off any horse. I will write off half of them. There won’t be another Giacomo this year. This is not the year for a dark horse to pull the win. Not yet. Keyed Entry, Showing Up, Sharp Humor, Private Vow, Bluegrass Cat, Deputy Glitters, Seaside Retreat, Cause to Believe, Storm Treasure, and Flashy Bull won’t win. Sweetnorthernsaint, the only gelding, doesn’t have the balls to win. Jazil, Steppenwolfer, AP Warrior, have a chance to close late, but probably won’t. Point Determined, Bob and John have a chance. Lawyer Ron has a poor starting positions, and could lose early. Brother Derek was an early favorite, but people are realizing things from California tend to be overrated. Besides, though I don’t hate all paraplegics, but if Trainer Hedricks’ position was reversed, he’d be dog food. Barbaro is not the favorite, but he hasn’t raced in a while, and won’t have the start he needs to win. That leaves Sinister Minister. He doesn’t hold back and will be going for broke from the start. My kind of horse. The only problem I have is that his odds jumped from 12-1 to 8-1.

Sinister Minister to win, Barbaro to place, and Steppenwolfer to show. But what do I know? I despise the entire sport.

One final note. I no longer wish to eat at any Yum! Restaurant.

Off the Post

I do have problems with the Kentucky Derby. Horse Racing in general seems to be a way for the filthy rich to throw money around. I also find jockeys kind of creepy. And I will take a good Kentucky bourbon over a Mint Julep any day.

So it would be safe to bet that I will be watching Carolina and New Jersey and not all the pre-race coverage. I understand that the NBA playoffs are more popular than the NHL playoffs. But at this time of the year, hockey should not be put behind baseball. Even pre mini camp NFL is getting more coverage. That’s just wrong.

I will watch the race, though. After all, it is the second most exciting two minutes in sports. So who do I pick to win? I’ll save that until right before the race. I wouldn’t want to upset the odds.

Time Out

I just read through this weeks Time magazine, and I am not happy. They put out their Time 100 this week, their list of the world’s most influential people. Guess who isn’t on the list. Well, yes, the banjo kid from Deliverance is not on the list. I meant, who is not on the list but clearly should be. Of course I’m talking about myself. Are you new here, or something? This is just one more blatant example of how the media is trying to pretend that they don’t know who I am. Well, go ahead, Time, leave me off your list. But be aware that you just made a list of mine.

You might be thinking, but Stephen, maybe there were just other people who deserved to be on the list more than you. You also might be retarded. Putting aside the fact that no one is more deserving than me, have you seen who is on this list? Here’s the rundown.

There were a few they got right. President Bush; love him or blindly support him, he’s the most important man in the most important country. Pope Benedict XVI; you don’t have to kiss his ring, but there’s quite a lot of people who would. Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; again, welcome to the club. Japan’s Koizumi; don’t really know him, but he’s got some crazy hair. Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez; he’s the Ringo of Latin American dictators. Chief Justice John Roberts; he wasn’t the worst we could have gotten. The guy who made Wikipedia; click here to create an entry. Clinton & Bush; those ex-Presidents are at it again. Phoenix’s Steve Nash; he may be Canadian, but even if you don’t like basketball, you have to like the way he plays. Dubai’s Shiek Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum; the name says it all. Bill and Melinda Gates; they’ve got so much money they can’t give enough of it away. No argument on any of these.

I’ll even let a few others go. JJ Abrams; even if Alias sucks, I do have to watch every episode of Lost. Philip Seymour Hoffman, the guy’s been in, well, everything. Stephen Colbert is still no Jon Stewart, but with a name like Stephen, you know he’s destined to go far. Huang Guangyu; I guess he’s the richest guy in China. I’d never heard of him, but I still thought China was a communist country.

So that’s 15 people. 15 out of 100.

Will Smith? I’ve got to tell you, Hitch was a worthless movie. Mr. Fresh Prince, you haven’t been jiggy wit it since, uh, uh, 2000. Daddy Yankee? Me gustaria darte la gasolina, y un match. Ang Lee? A movie about two gay cowboys doesn’t make up for the huge monstrosity that was The Hulk. Dane Cook? You know, I’d let you pass, if I was a 14 year old girl. Mike Brown? I don’t care if you discovered a new planet or not. That doesn’t do the folks in N’Orleans much good, does it? Al Gore? You lost the 2000 election. Then you got fat, and disappeared. Went off fighting manbearpig, or something. Good luck with that, Al. Condi Rice? You were pretty incompetent as National Security Advisor, and your role as SecSate consists of defending Bush’s mistakes. Sly Sylvester may have been wrong to call you Aunt Jemimah, though. I seriously doubt you know how to cook. Sean “The Didster” Combs? You’ve been relegated to doing Diet Pepsi commercials with Ryan Seycrest. I guess you could get some industry cred back if you follow through on the second half of that “Vote or Die” thing. Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf? Who? You may be the first female president of Africa. So what? It’s pretty clear no one cares about Africa. Bono? I appreciate what he’s doing for Africa, but again, no one really cares. And besides, Vertigo was a really bad song. Michelle Wie? Get back to me when you’ve actually won something. You aren’t even the best female golfer. And we don’t even care that much about Sorenstam. Angelina Jolie? She’s just a thief. She stole Brad from Jen. She stole all those kids. And she looks like someone just punched her in the mouth. And she made out with her brother. Ismail Haniya, Muqtada Al-Sadr, Ayman al-Zawahiri, Oprah Winfrey; they may be influential, but only for spewing out crap to weak minded people who can’t think for themselves. Tyra Banks? You should be seen and not heard. Reese Witherspoon? Your biggest movie was Legally Blond. Rain? Go away. And don’t come back any day. And the other 66? They aren’t even worth mentioning.