Duck Duck Goose

I was watching the Daily Show with Jon Stewart last night and they showed a segment about Bush’s Press Secretary Scott McClellan dodging questions at a press conference. My first press conference as President will be handled by me, and I will use it to announce that I will be handling all of my Press Conferences. My Press Secretary will arrange things with the media, and schedule things and prepare things. He or she will basically do secretarial work. A secretary does not give presentations, or field questions. That’s the job of the guy in charge. When I want to announce something, I’ll announce it. When I want to let the press ask questions, I’ll answer them. And for a really radical idea, I’ll actually answer them. Directly. No ducking the issue, giving vague responses, sound bites that sound good but don’t actually say anything. I will give a full, honest answer to any question asked. Eventually, people will learn not to ask me about certain things if they don’t really want a full answer. I just think if you’re going to do something, you should be able to explain why and be capable of defending it. Something about accountability.

Turkey Lurkey Do

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Every year there is a big photo op where the President pardons a turkey. I’ve never really liked the whole thing. Why does this one turkey deserve to get pardoned? Is it a friend of someone I know? Was it wrongly accused of being a turkey? Was it chosen at random, or was it specifically raised for this event? It’s not like the President was going to eat that turkey, then decided to spare it, and now he’s just going to have a vegetarian Thanksgiving. No, they’re still going to eat turkey, just a different one. So yeah, it seems like a pile of BS, and as President, I won’t be a part of it.

The press will still expect a photo op, and I won’t deny them that. The turkey will be out on the front lawn, with everyone around watching. I’ll come out, wearing my fall jacket. I’ll go into the woodshed and bring out the axe. Then I’ll put the turkey’s neck against a tree stump, and, well you get the picture. People say they want old fashioned values, right. Well, it’s about time the President cut the crap, acted like a man, taught the kiddos a lesson, about the Circle of Life and the Food Chain and all that jazz.

An Overrated Cat, an Underrated President

I’ve decided on the first thing I’ll do after I win the 2008 election. I’m going to grow out a beard. After a long campaign, it will be nice to relax and forget about things like shaving. It’s November, with winter approaching, and a beard helps to cut the wind and the cold. Plus, then people will say “We elected him?” and “How did that homeless guy get in to the press conference?” Besides, there hasn’t been any President lately who was man enough to grow some facial hair. I’d be the first one since, I think, Garfield. The President, not the cat. I won’t keep the beard that long. I’ll just grow it out at different times, possibly trimmed in different ways. Keep the people guessing. It’ll be fun.

Ground Floor

Hello. My name is Stephen Dorshorst, and I would like to be your next President of the United States. Screw that. I will be your next president, so you’d better get ready.

So far, this isn’t going real well. Writing this first entry, that is. The campaign has not gone anywhere yet. So far, no one is even aware I am running. I had thought about holding a big press conference to announce my candidacy, but I decided not to, partly because I knew no one would care. Instead I officially started my 2008 Presidential campaign by getting completely wasted last Friday on a bottle of Fleishman’s vodka.

So now, I can casually bring it up in conversations, and people will ask, “Wait, did you say you were running for President?” and I’ll say, “Yeah.” Trust me, it’ll be awesome. Besides, since I’m starting at the absolute bottom, it will be pretty hard to go any lower. But that’s what this blog is for.