Happy Holidays everyone! Yeah, that’s right. Holidays, not Christmas. Suck it, O’Riley, and anyone else who feels offended by that. You use the plural when you don’t feel like naming each individual holiday, bitches. Besides, contrary to popular belief, Christmas does not start directly after Halloween. If it isn’t December 25, then it aint Christmas. Hey, nobody says “Happy Fourth of July” on June 28th. That doesn’t mean I’m trying to be all PC and inclusive. As far as I’m concerned, Hanukah is not a real holiday, not one anyone should care about. The Jewish calendar is full of little holidays they don’t celebrate. I’ll recognize Yom Kippur, Passover, even Rosh Hashanah, although that last one sounds made up, but that’s it. The Jews have just created their own Christmas, and if you fail to see the irony in that, think about it for a while. And don’t get me started on Kwanzaa. There are still other real holidays besides just Christmas, though. The last time I checked the calendar, I thought New Year’s Eve took place some time near the end of December, not too long after Christmas. And there is another made-up holiday that I do choose to celebrate. That’s right, a Festivus for the rest of us!
Festivus is a great holiday for me, because it is completely devoid of pretense, which is odd, considering the whole thing is a fabrication. Anyhow, I’ve been celebrating it for a while now, and it’s always been a good time. This year was special because it was the first time Festivus was celebrated in the White House. I got the Festivus Pole down out of the crawl space this morning. We had a nice meal, followed by the Airing of Grievances. I would list mine here, but there were a lot of people that disappointed me over the last year, and I don’t want to take up that much space here. We recorded the whole thing, though, and the tape will be displayed with all the other Festivus tapes at my presidential library outside Madison. Later, I made the mistake of challenging one of the Marines stationed inside to the Feats of Strength. I’ve learned my lesson: no more roughhousing in the Lincoln Bedroom. Luckily, the doctor said it was just a fracture, and I’ll be fine in a few weeks. And the Marine said she was sorry about it.