Cosmos 954 all over again

Yeah. I’m not too happy right now. I had been typing this blog on my old laptop, a 1994 Toshiba Satellite Pro. It had no working CD or floppy disk drives, so I couldn’t save this to a disk. It also had no Internet connection, so there was no way to save it that way. Some of you may wonder why I was blogging on a computer with no Internet access. That’s a decent question, but it’s not the point right now. The point is that my laptop finally crashed yesterday. So every post before this one was lost, and had to be retyped from what I could remember. You’ll just have to believe me that the original posts were much better than the crap you’ve been reading.

That must have been some doll

Happy Holidays everyone! Yeah, that’s right. Holidays, not Christmas. Suck it, O’Riley, and anyone else who feels offended by that. You use the plural when you don’t feel like naming each individual holiday, bitches. Besides, contrary to popular belief, Christmas does not start directly after Halloween. If it isn’t December 25, then it aint Christmas. Hey, nobody says “Happy Fourth of July” on June 28^th. That doesn’t mean I’m trying to be all PC and inclusive. As far as I’m concerned, Hanukah is not a real holiday, not one anyone should care about. The Jewish calendar is full of little holidays they don’t celebrate. I’ll recognize Yom Kippur, Passover, even Rosh Hashanah, although that last one sounds made up, but that’s it. The Jews have just created their own Christmas, and if you fail to see the irony in that, think about it for a while. And don’t get me started on Kwanzaa. There are still other real holidays besides just Christmas, though. The last time I checked the calendar, I thought New Year’s Eve took place some time near the end of December, not too long after Christmas. And there is another made-up holiday that I do choose to celebrate. That’s right, a Festivus for the rest of us!

Festivus is a great holiday for me, because it is completely devoid of pretense, which is odd, considering the whole thing is a fabrication. Anyhow, I’ve been celebrating it for a while now, and it’s always been a good time. This year was special because it was the first time Festivus was celebrated in the White House. I got the Festivus Pole down out of the crawl space this morning. We had a nice meal, followed by the Airing of Grievances. I would list mine here, but there were a lot of people that disappointed me over the last year, and I don’t want to take up that much space here. We recorded the whole thing, though, and the tape will be displayed with all the other Festivus tapes at my presidential library outside Madison. Later, I made the mistake of challenging one of the Marines stationed inside to the Feats of Strength. I’ve learned my lesson: no more roughhousing in the Lincoln Bedroom. Luckily, the doctor said it was just a fracture, and I’ll be fine in a few weeks. And the Marine said she was sorry about it.

Undersecretary Screech Powers?

I’m sorry Mama. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry, but tonight, I’m cleaning out my cabinet.

From what I gather, the President does what he wants with the Cabinet. He decides who is in it and what they all do. First up, I will remove the Department of Homeland Security. Maybe I’m wrong, but isn’t securing the homeland, or defending the country, the job of the Department of Defense? Why can’t there be just one department, say, the Department of Defense, and have it concentrate on the defense of the country. And just to clarify, that does not involve invading other countries. If I really feel like starting some wars, I will bring back the War Department. As for State, Labor, Commerce, Treasury, Agriculture, Health and Human Services, Education, and the Interior, they can all stay, for now. I may add a Department of Communication. I think that area, with wireless phones and the Internet and everything, will become a pretty important field. And I will appoint Zach Morris to head the newly created Department of Partying Down!

Los del Gitmo

President Bush was in the news again. Did you see this? Did you hear about this? President Bush was in the news recently. Apparently now he has agreed to support the bill banning the use of torture. Now if only he would sign the bill banning the Macarena. I’d hook a car battery up to my testicles right now if it would make them stop playing that song everywhere.

There have been two arguments against using torture. The first is that if we do it, then our enemies will use it against our troops. Guess what, if a terrorist organization captures one of our troops and wants to torture him before they behead him, they will. And if they do, will that give us the right to torture back? Because that’s what you’re saying.

The other argument is that the use of torture is prohibited in the Geneva Convention. Screw the Geneva Convention. War is brutal, and you have to do whatever it takes to win. If you have to stop in the middle of a war and check your rulebook, you deserve to lose. It’s only the side that wins that gets to decide who was right and who was wrong.

So why ban torture? Because I’m on the side that won, and I say it is wrong. We’ve got to be better than that. We’ve got to show that we have at least some principles. And we can’t keep using the World Trade Center Airplane Attack as an excuse. Or “He was out of town, and his two friends were sooo fine.”