22.4.07

Happy Earthday

From the VD archives: originally written 22.4.06-

Here’s your first problem, hippies. You have a terrible choice of heroes. How can anyone take this “Earth Day” seriously, when the guy who started it was named Gaylord. I mean, really. Couldn’t you find somebody with a name that wasn’t quite so, ahem, unmanly. You’ve got to find someone with a name like Dick. Dick Steel. Yeah, that’s the stuff. I knew a guy named Dick Steel. He would go on and on about his 60’s hippy music. But if you saw the guy, you would instantly notice the enormous amount of hair in his ears and you would know that this was a manly man.

Now, while I do not condone your aversion to showering, or to employment, I do still think environmentalism is a worthwhile issue. So I’ll do all of you a favor. I’m starting a new day for environmentalism. It will be April 22 (22.4). It will be easy for you pinkos to remember because it's Lenin's Birthday. I will call it Earth Day. Hey, I want to make things easy for you. And when you tell people about it, they’ll say “Steve started it? Well, that sounds cool.”

My brand of environmentalism is a little different, though. I don’t view Earth as our mother, or as something we have to protect. I don’t say “no one owns the land.” I own the land. It’s mine. Why is it mine? Because I can shoot an eagle. And I can run over a squirrel with my car. And I can club a baby seal to death. I live here. It is my home. I own it, and I can do what I want with it.

But it’s pretty stupid to trash your home if you still need to live there. It’s okay to paint a few walls a different color, but you don’t want to burn a hole in the floor of the back porch. If you run out of toilet paper, you need to restock it, because no one else will. And if you break a window, you get it fixed, or it will get awfully cold in the winter. And even if you don’t plan on being there much longer, it would be good to leave behind a nice place for your kids to inherit.

Yes, other people can be inconsiderate. Many are jerks. Many more are just idiots. They may leave trash on your front lawn. They may steal your chairs, get drunk, and burn them. And more than likely they don’t really care. I’d like to tell these morons what I think of them, and beat the crap out of them if they don’t pick up after themselves. But this is my home, and I do care, so I will do what I can to keep it clean.

The rest of you, you need to start changing how you think of the Earth. You live here too. Start having some pride in your home.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I knew Dick Steele too, and he was not very manly.

25/4/07 01:33  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny, I think I know the same guy. Yeah, definatly not very manly, but the hair in the ears part is totally true.

5/5/07 21:44  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home