I just read through this weeks Time magazine, and I am not happy. They put out their Time 100 this week, their list of the world’s most influential people. Guess who isn’t on the list. Well, yes, the banjo kid from Deliverance is not on the list. I meant, who is not on the list but clearly should be. Of course I’m talking about myself. Are you new here, or something? This is just one more blatant example of how the media is trying to pretend that they don’t know who I am. Well, go ahead, Time, leave me off your list. But be aware that you just made a list of mine.
You might be thinking, but Stephen, maybe there were just other people who deserved to be on the list more than you. You also might be retarded. Putting aside the fact that no one is more deserving than me, have you seen who is on this list? Here’s the rundown.
There were a few they got right. President Bush; love him or blindly support him, he’s the most important man in the most important country. Pope Benedict XVI; you don’t have to kiss his ring, but there’s quite a lot of people who would. Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; again, welcome to the club. Japan’s Koizumi; don’t really know him, but he’s got some crazy hair. Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez; he’s the Ringo of Latin American dictators. Chief Justice John Roberts; he wasn’t the worst we could have gotten. The guy who made Wikipedia; click here to create an entry. Clinton & Bush; those ex-Presidents are at it again. Phoenix’s Steve Nash; he may be Canadian, but even if you don’t like basketball, you have to like the way he plays. Dubai’s Shiek Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum; the name says it all. Bill and Melinda Gates; they’ve got so much money they can’t give enough of it away. No argument on any of these.
I’ll even let a few others go. JJ Abrams; even if Alias sucks, I do have to watch every episode of Lost. Philip Seymour Hoffman, the guy’s been in, well, everything. Stephen Colbert is still no Jon Stewart, but with a name like Stephen, you know he’s destined to go far. Huang Guangyu; I guess he’s the richest guy in China. I’d never heard of him, but I still thought China was a communist country.
So that’s 15 people. 15 out of 100.
Will Smith? I’ve got to tell you, Hitch was a worthless movie. Mr. Fresh Prince, you haven’t been jiggy wit it since, uh, uh, 2000. Daddy Yankee? Me gustaria darte la gasolina, y un match. Ang Lee? A movie about two gay cowboys doesn’t make up for the huge monstrosity that was The Hulk. Dane Cook? You know, I’d let you pass, if I was a 14 year old girl. Mike Brown? I don’t care if you discovered a new planet or not. That doesn’t do the folks in N’Orleans much good, does it? Al Gore? You lost the 2000 election. Then you got fat, and disappeared. Went off fighting manbearpig, or something. Good luck with that, Al. Condi Rice? You were pretty incompetent as National Security Advisor, and your role as SecSate consists of defending Bush’s mistakes. Sly Sylvester may have been wrong to call you Aunt Jemimah, though. I seriously doubt you know how to cook. Sean “The Didster” Combs? You’ve been relegated to doing Diet Pepsi commercials with Ryan Seycrest. I guess you could get some industry cred back if you follow through on the second half of that “Vote or Die” thing. Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf? Who? You may be the first female president of Africa. So what? It’s pretty clear no one cares about Africa. Bono? I appreciate what he’s doing for Africa, but again, no one really cares. And besides, Vertigo was a really bad song. Michelle Wie? Get back to me when you’ve actually won something. You aren’t even the best female golfer. And we don’t even care that much about Sorenstam. Angelina Jolie? She’s just a thief. She stole Brad from Jen. She stole all those kids. And she looks like someone just punched her in the mouth. And she made out with her brother. Ismail Haniya, Muqtada Al-Sadr, Ayman al-Zawahiri, Oprah Winfrey; they may be influential, but only for spewing out crap to weak minded people who can’t think for themselves. Tyra Banks? You should be seen and not heard. Reese Witherspoon? Your biggest movie was Legally Blond. Rain? Go away. And don’t come back any day. And the other 66? They aren’t even worth mentioning.